The 'Total Turkeys' List

OK we had a post the other day about a 'Must Have' list - and I think I just about kept my job with 5 1/2 out of 8 (Well I'm giving myself the half anyway just to be on the safe side) But what about a 'Total Turkeys' list (say top 10) - perfect for Thanksgiving - carrying the severe penalty that if you play any of them, the Lizard Boss will come after sensitive parts of your anatomy with an electrified cattle prod. Now I'm not talking hate music or anything that serious nor even some of the current crop to which I have a personal aversion, but just songs that stand the test of time of being so insufferably dire that they should be played endlessly to terrorists to force confessions.

The list of course is off the top of my head and could easily change when I next hear something excruciating:-

In no particular order:-

1. Cliff Richard - Mistletoe and Wine

- the grandfather of British pop at his most syrupy. Guaranteed to have you running for the bathroom after the starter and before you even get to the Christmas turkey.


2. Little Jimmy Osmond - Long Haired Lover from Liverpool

- Americans may have been mercifully spared this contribution from the one Osmond who certainly should have been throttled at birth. This falls into the excruciating on just about every level

3. Joe Dolce - Shaddapa ya face

- A bounce along novelty number that sounds mildly sing-alongy ONCE, but when you have heard it twice, let alone 2000 times you have a sudden urge to end it all.

4. Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder - Ebony and Ivory

- The ultimate twee racially together song which takes saccharine sweet nausea to new heights (or is it depths?)

5. Band Aid - Do they know it's Christmas?

- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH (should suffice)

6. Chris de Burgh - The Lady in Red

- They still play this before the start of every Liverpool soccer match (Liverpool play in red you see) and its one sound reason for missing the kick-off. Dreadful sentimental drivel.

7. Donny Osmond - Puppy Love

- The Osmonds are doing well in this list. Donny is a marginal improvement on younger brother Jimmy, but this song of dewy eyed teenage angst is definitely a thumbs down.

8. Middle of the Road - Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep

- Another of those mindless pop mantras that make you want to dash your brains out on the nearest wall.

9. Elvis Presley - Wooden Heart

- I'm almost certain (can't be sure) that when this came out I cried. Damn it, this was the man who was capable of 'My Baby left me', 'Mystery Train', 'That's Alright, Mama'...the finest white R and B man of his age ...singing Eurotrash. Ugggghhhhhhhhhh.


10. Rod Stewart - Do ya think I'm sexy?

- Now I don't know whether my aversion to this is a 'British' thing because I love some of Rod the Mod's early stuff but to have a male artist capering round the stage like a big girl's blouse singing up his sex appeal was just too awful for words. Hate it.


Well that's my ten for which Bill should dish out lethal doses of rat poison to anyone who plays any of them. I have omitted parochial ones which Americans wouldn't know, like seedy fat drunken British footballers who stagger to the mic at Xmas and re-record some famous hit. Legions of British flowers must be growing in thousands of such records converted into flower pots.

So Ive set you a challenge - not too serious - what are the total turkeys which make YOU curl up and want to die...or at least kill the artists. The floor is yours, guys!